7 Reasons Not to Wait Too Long to Start Dating After Divorce #online #dating #personals


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7 Reasons Not to Wait Too Long to Start Dating After Divorce

I’ve been divorced for five years and I only recently started dating again. Now that I have, I’ve come to the realization that I waited too long.

I think it’s important to take time to heal from divorce. People need time to adjust to the major changes that divorce brings: different living situations, moving, financial struggles, and having to share time with your kids. Divorce is a death of sorts. It’s the death of your hopes, dreams, and beliefs that you will spend the rest of your life with your spouse. It takes time to go through the grieving process. It’s wise to wait a year or so, so that you can evaluate your life, take inventory of who you are, change the things about you that you don’t like, and discover what exactly you’re looking for in a partner.

However, if you wait too long, some things happen that make dating more difficult.

1. You get comfortable being alone

After some time, you start to enjoy the freedom that comes with being on your own. You never have to compromise on a restaurant. If you don’t feel like making your bed, there’s no one there to get mad at you for it. You can stay in your pajamas and watch chick flicks on Netflix, or you can get up early and run non-stop all day. The choice is up to you.

2. You get cold feet

The longer you wait, the more scared you are to enter the dating world, especially if you were married a long time and enjoyed the comfort and security of a loving relationship. The thought of fielding pick-up lines from guys at bars can make you hyperventilate. Going on a date and not knowing the rules because the last date you went on was 20 years ago, can be a really scary thing.

3. You don t understand dating nowadays

My last date before I got married was at a time when people didn’t have computers or smart phones. Do you understand me? Only doctors had mobile phones and they were as big as a shoe box! Now there’s online dating. Online dating scares the snot out of me. Weeding through hundreds of guys who probably want to make a suit of my skin, trying to find that one gem who not only is not a serial killer, but who also chews with his mouth closed can be daunting. And which of the trillions of online dating sites should you use? Heck, there’s an online site for farmers only! The first time I saw the commercial for that, I thought it was an SNL skit! Scary.

4. You realize you don t need anyone

When I first got divorced I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t know a thing about car maintenance. I didn’t know how to change my furnace filter, change the string on the weed whacker or fix my washing machine when it started leaking all over. Out of necessity, I learned how to do these things. I no longer felt like I needed a man in my life. Sure, it would be nice to have someone to do those things and to help out, but when it comes down to it, I am capable of taking care of everything on my own.

5. You begin to think there s no room for anyone else in your life

The thought of clearing out my closet to make room for another person’s clothes makes me feel resentful. I don’t want to give up any of my space. I’ve filled my days with my kids, my work, and my interests and I can’t imagine making room for someone else and their kids, work, and interests. I’m not saying I can’t or won’t; it’s just hard to imagine caring enough about someone to want to make room for them in my life.

6. You decide you never want to share a bathroom again

There are some advantages to being on your own – advantages like getting up to pee in the middle of the night and not falling in the toilet because no one has left the seat up. There’s something to be said for not having shaving gel and toothpaste globs stuck to your sink. Not having to pick up laundry from the floor brings me utter joy. Now that I’m divorced, I always get a good night’s sleep because no one wakes me with their snoring, no one steals the blanket, and no one puts their cold feet on me. Why would I want to go back to sharing a bathroom or bedroom with anyone?

7. You get set in your ways

You have a routine. You know what needs to be done and how and when it needs to be done. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have some help, but I know myself. I know that if someone didn’t separate the laundry, or if they loaded the dishwasher incorrectly, or if they didn’t clean the kitchen the same way I do, I’d get ticked off. Maybe I should be medicated. I don’t know. But I’ve gotten set in my ways and I don’t think I’d like someone coming in, changing things around, and not doing things the right way (i.e. my way.)

I was talking to my hairdresser and comparing notes on bad dates. She and I both came to the same conclusion – because we waited too long, dating is harder and the thought of letting someone into our lives makes us a little twitchy. One writer and one hairdresser can’t be wrong. I’m telling you, don’t wait too long! Wait long enough to grieve and get your act together, then jump right in before you become a bitter old cat lady like me. (I don’t actually own a cat. I have a Guinea pig who eats nonstop though. I don’t dress him up in clothes or anything so there’s still hope for me.)

Article Posted 2 years Ago

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Dating Older Men: How Old is Too Old? #50 #dating


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Dating Older Men: How Old is Too Old?

By Zandria on February 24, 2008

When my roommate and I go to a bar, we largely attract the attention of older men rather than males closer to our own age. (By “older,” what I mean is “noticeably older than myself.” Like 15 years or more.) I’m not saying these older men act like they want to “hook up” with us – most of the time they’re just looking for a conversation. (Or at least that’s the way they make it seem. I’ve never had an older man ask for my number.) There have been a few older men who were more overtly obvious about their intentions – I’ve had several blatantly walk up to me and say, “I think you’re beautiful” – but in those instances they’ve always said their piece and continued on their way.

(Continuing on their way is a good move, because otherwise my response would be, “Thank you. Now move along.” It’s not that I’m trying to be rude. I just don’t think “You’re beautiful” is a good opening line, no matter the person’s age – even if they’re thinking it; even if they really believe it to be true.)

It’s not like we don’t catch younger guys looking at us – but they look from where they’re sitting, or standing. And I don’t have a problem talking to older men if they’re being nice, but I don’t see them as someone I’d want to go out with.

A good friend of mine, a woman in her mid-40s, has given me her opinion multiple times on the types of men she thinks I should be dating. “We live in DC,” she says. “You should be attending parties at embassies and meeting diplomats. Or you could be an executive’s wife.” My friend has good intentions, but all I say in response to her suggestions is, “I have no desire to go to a party at an embassy. I wouldn’t have any idea what to say to those people. On top of all that, I’m not looking for someone with a specific title – the man himself comes first.”

So how old is “too old” for me? I’d say ten years would be my max. But having said that, I know age differences of ten years or more don’t bother everyone. My older sister was married to a man eleven years her senior (they’ve since divorced), and my younger sister is currently living with a man ten years older than she is. A good friend of mine was married to a man fifteen years her senior for over six years (they married when she was nineteen).

I wonder. why is it that younger guys aren’t as comfortable approaching my roommate and I than the older guys? Are the older men not as worried about looking “cool?” Does the possibility of being rejected not bother them as much?

I also think this phenomenon might be related to where you live. City Girl DC lives here in my area. She went out with a female friend one recent Saturday night, and had this experience:

What I love about Marvin [a bar] is that it seems perfectly designed for meeting and conversation. You would think there would be lots of mingling. Instead, as we looked around, all we saw were completely sex-segregated groups. To our left were two women who could pass for models. Behind them, clearly gawking was a group of guys. Not once did the guys make a move. […] Pam and I were curious as to what the guys would say and decided to ask three attractive, well-dressed guys standing behind us. One was Indian, one Latin American, and the other second-generation African. We figured we would get a good mix of responses. Instead, they were pretty much the same guy. […]

They didn’t feel the need to approach women and were of the belief that women should be more willing to approach them. Hmmm. I always find it suspect when a guy has decided that women should take the initiative in dating: asking out, paying on a first date, making the first move, etc. All I know is that these guys were typical of so many guys in DC. They seemed way too interested in saving face. Sorry, but being a guy involves some degree of regular rejection.

Tara has the same experience with older men being the only ones bold enough to approach her, and wonders what’s up with younger guys.

Why is it that I find myself getting hit on by older gentlemen in Hoboken and not the younger fellows? Where are the bright young men of Hobo? […]

A girlfriend and I recently went to a bar in Hoboken on a Saturday night.

We were there to have a drink and watch her alma mater, the University of Virginia football game…hey, a great way to meet guys…young guys! WRONG! No one even approached us… The guys that were there didn’t even budge to come up and say hello. On the way out, I walked passed a young guy who hardly turned his head but did get the slight nerve and sober energy to say “bye ladies”. Ugh! And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a brief portrait of the wildly gifted charm imparted America’s Best – our Young and Upcoming World Financial Business Leaders of Tomorrow.

New blogger Jenny Pruna asks, “Does Love Have a Number?”

I am currently dating a man 10 years older than me. We met at my old job and ever since then we have been dating. Its been a year and a half and we are still in love; if not more than ever. It is not common to see someone dissaprove of us being together when they have not met my boyfriend. Just the age difference alone shows how wrong it is. The common arguments are… “He’s only seeking one thing from you and its not being with you.” “He is too old, you should be with someone your age.” and etc.

Problem is with that last argument is that every guy I meet at my age isn’t what I am looking for. I want to fall in love and be in that relationship. I no longer want to explore a bunch of bad relationships when I can have one great one full of love.

At the Huffington Post, Christine Hassler is asked for advice by a 27-year-old female dating a 42-year-old man. This is part of Christine’s response:

In my opinion, there is a lot more than just 15 years that separates you from your 42-year-old boyfriend. He’s had a heck of a lot more life experience than you have. You are in your late twenties, a time in life when you are just beginning to become sure of who you are and what you want. You are creating your life while he is already in the prime of his. If you were 40 and he was 55, I would not be as concerned about the age difference as both of you would have had ample time to experience life and mold your identity. By dating someone so much older, you are missing out on being with someone who is in the same phase of life that you are; someone with whom you can share the joys and pitfalls of discovery.

The male perspective: Jay Rusovich is in his early 50s, and has this to say about attracting younger women:

Anyone whose reached middle-age has to face the fact that – no matter how we look or feel – we can’t outright cheat the clock. Let a few more years pass and we start to wonder whether or not it’s even appropriate to approach younger women. By ‘appropriate’ I’m thinking along the lines of …will she look at me like I’m out of my fucking mind for assuming she would consider me as a dating candidate? […]

Many young women simply don’t give a damn how many bootcamps you put yourself through every week. Or how interesting you think you are. Or how talented you are. Or how successful you have been. By this time, life was supposed to have yanked you out of the game and thrown you onto your Lazyboy, out in the suburbs, with a family, watching network television… […]

The truth is, a ever-growing number of young women are actively dating older men; particularly in big cities, because these tend to be more sophisticated than their fly-over sisters, and don’t hold the same appreciation for being treated like objects by young men. The same men who routinely take them for granted, and have nothing to talk about other than domestic beer. This notwithstanding, you still have to also accept the fact that there are a corresponding number of women who can’t fathom dating older guys from any perspective. They want Cinderella. They want Snow White. And intend to ignore the odds against realizing those fantasies in today’s world.

How old would be “too old” for you?

(Contributing editor Zandria also blogs at Keep Up With Me. She will continue to talk to older guys in bars as long as they don’t start the conversation with, “I think you’re beautiful.”)


Meet the woman who is TOO PRETTY for dating websites #singles #club


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Meet the woman who is TOO PRETTY for dating websites: Size six blonde thinks it’s easier for unattractive women to find a man online

By Caroline Mcguire for MailOnline 11:52 GMT 06 Oct 2014, updated 17:40 GMT 06 Oct 2014

Meet the woman who is TOO PRETTY for dating websites: Size six blonde thinks it’s easier for unattractive women to find a man

  • Paula Jayne Allen, 33, from Essex was often used just as arm candy
  • The mother-of-two believes her good looks make it harder to find a man
  • She only found true love after giving up on shallow dating websites

Many single women might at some point have thought that losing an extra ten pounds or having a slightly larger chest and blonde curly hair would be the answer to all of their dating problems.

But imagine if the shoe was on the other foot – if your petite figure, pretty face and long golden locks made it hard to find a man because you are TOO pretty.

Paula Jayne Allen, 33, from Chelmsford, Essex, says this is what happened to her when she joined an online dating site five years ago.

She said: ‘I am a size six, with long blonde hair and blue eyes and have done a bit of modelling in the past.

‘When it came to trying to find a man who would see me as more than just ‘piece of meat,’ it was so hard. I just felt like eye candy.’

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Paula Jayne Allen from Chelmsford, Essex, who tried dating websites but found her size six figure and blonde hair meant only shallow men approached her.

Fed up with shallow men approaching her in nightclubs just looking for a one-night stand, Paula tried online dating as a way of finding a man based on a personality match.

But after reading MailOnline’s interview with size 24 Verity Brown, who has struggled to find a man on dating websites because she is overweight, Paula maintains that it was even harder for her to find a partner on the same sites because men simply saw her as a trophy.

She said: ‘Verity is thinking that once she has lost this weight, everything will change and all of these men will come out of the woodwork.

‘But it doesn’t change, in fact it only gets worse.

‘You get all of these men wanting one night stands or who want you to sit there, be quiet and just be arm candy.

‘I went on two dating websites – Match.com and eHarmony – about five years ago, just before I met my now-husband and it was awful.

Paula Jayne’s looks have always attracted plenty of attention on nights out

‘I decided to try it because all of the sites guarantee to match you up with someone who shares your interests, so it’s more about personality, and I was fed up with all of the men in the bars looking for skirt.

‘But it made no difference.

‘You’d regularly get people getting in contact just saying, “Fancy meeting up for a f**k?”

‘You’d get married men just wanting fun and you’d get people saying, “I just need someone for one night, can you do me a favour?”

‘It really was truly awful.’

Often, Paula also found that men were just interested in using her so that they could impress their friends with a good looking girl on their arm.

She said: ‘If you did meet people online and then go out for a drink with them away from the websites, they’d take you out to where their mates were and they’d just want you to stand there.

Paula Jayne struggled to find a decent man in nightclubs, because they were always ‘chasing skirt.’ The mother-of-two thought dating sites would be the answer to her problems but found they attracted similar kinds of men.

Paula Jayne struggled to find a decent man in nightclubs, because they were always ‘chasing skirt.’ The mother-of-two thought dating sites would be the answer to her problems but found they attracted similar kinds of men.

‘If you tried to talk to them and they realised that you have a brain and you actually quite enjoy intelligent conversation, then they wouldn’t want to see you again.

‘It was really frustrating and very boring.

‘Some of them I’d talk to a couple of times online and then they’d take me out in front of their friends and their male friends would look me up and down and give me the approving look.

‘Then their female friends would grab hold of their men and give you the female equivalent of the snarl and you’d think to yourself, ‘I’m really not after your man!’

‘It got frustrating, it got disheartening and I gave up.

‘I must have been on there for a good six months before I just lost faith and gave up.

‘I couldn’t get anywhere on those sites, it was always sleazebags and people who just wanted to use me and didn’t care if I had any opinions on anything or care at all what I thought really.’

Paula also used to get a constant stream of requests from married men, who would ask her to be their mistress.

Despite her looks hindering her search for a partner, Paula Jayne refused to change her appearance

She said: ‘I had married men approach me all of the time saying, ‘My marriage is on the rocks, my wife doesn’t understand me, I’m hoping you will.’

It’s like, do you really think I will fall for that?

‘You get the sob stories, they would constantly email you expecting a reply.

‘I replied saying, “Do you think I was born yesterday?”

‘They have no shame.’

But far from sharing her story in order to brag about her good looks, Paula is actually hoping to inspire women like Verity, who are happy about their larger figures, not to change for a man.

She said: ‘I was reading the article and I thought that she shouldn’t lose weight – it’s not the answer to anything.

‘Mr Right will be there whether or not she loses the weight – she shouldn’t have to change that, she should be happy as she is.

Paula Jayne gave up on dating websites and six months later bumped into her now-husband Mark at a friend’s party. They are now husband and wife

‘I didn’t change a thing about me, even though when I was joining these agencies, all of these men were only interested in one thing.

‘But I didn’t change anything, I didn’t change my hair colour, my size or anything.

‘And I still found my husband at the end of it all.

‘Just be yourself, no one should have to change. If you’re truly happy in who you are you shouldn’t have to change a single thing about you, because someone else will love that happiness – it will shine through in everything that you do.’

Just a few months after giving up on dating sites, Paula met her now-husband Mark and they have been together for four years.

The couple also share two children Molli-Jayne, who is three next month and William, who turned two years old last week.

She said: ‘I met my husband about 14 years ago in a nightclub, we dated for about three or four months and eventually broke up because he was quite quiet and I was too outgoing.

Paula Jayne and her husband Mark with their children William (left) and Molli-Jayne (right)

‘But by chance, we happened to bump into each other again ten years down the line.

‘I looked him up on Facebook, got in contact, and asked him for a drink and we pretty much haven’t been apart since.

‘We fell in love straight away again.’

Paula is hoping her story will help women who are also struggling to find love to understand that it often has very little to do with something like being overweight.

She said ‘I know there will be some backlash but I don’t mean any of this in that way.

‘I’ve never won awards or used my beauty to get anywhere.

‘My best friend is a size 20, but she doesn’t care in the slightest – we’re like little and large – and but she gets more attention than I do because she has so much confidence.

‘It doesn’t matter about the size, just whether you are happy in yourself.’


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as long as it is bagged (example: plastic, bottles,cans, caulking tubes, food containers, cardboard, etc.) and placed on top of clean shingles.
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6 Adult Dating Apps Teens Are Using Too #dating #questions


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6 Adult Dating Apps Teens Are Using Too

Unless you’re single, you might not be familiar with dating apps such as Tinder, where users can quickly swipe through prospective dates. But it’s likely your teen knows all about these apps — even though they’re mostly designed for adults. According to the company’s own estimates, about seven percent of Tinder’s users are age 13 to 17 .

Although adults use these apps both for casual hookups and for scouting out more long-term relationships, they’re risky for teens. For starters, although many of the apps aren’t intended for them, it’s easy for savvy teens to get around registration-related age restrictions. Secondly, adults can pose as teens and vice-versa. Location-sharing increases the potential for a real-life meeting; less dangerous but still troubling is the heavy emphasis on looks as a basis for judgment.

It’s possible that teens are only testing boundaries with these apps. Many are eager to be on the same wavelength as their 20-something counterparts, and the prospect of meeting someone outside their social circle is exciting. And with so much of their social life happening online, teens feel comfortable using apps to meet people. But these apps are not a safe way for them to explore dating.

If you learn your teen is using dating apps, take the opportunity to talk about using social media safely and responsibly — and discuss what’s out of bounds. Keep lines of communication open; talk to them about how they approach dating and relationships and how to create a healthy, fulfilling one — and note that they usually don’t start with a swipe.

Below are some of the adult dating apps that teens are using.

1. Skout.
This flirting app allows users to sign up as a teen or an adult. They’re then placed in the appropriate peer group, where they can post to a feed, comment on others’ posts, add pictures and chat. They’ll get notifications when other users near their geographic area join, and they can search other areas by cashing in points. They receive notifications when someone “checks” them out but must pay points to see who it is.

What parents need to know. If your teens are going to use a dating app, Skout is probably the safest choice, if only because it has a teens-only section that seems to be moderated reasonably well. However, ages aren’t verified, making it easy for a teen to say she’s older than 18 and an adult to say she’s younger.

2. Tinder.
Tinder is a photo and messaging dating app for browsing pictures of potential matches within a certain mile radius of the user’s location.

What parents need to know. You swipe right to “like” a photo or left to “pass.” If a person whose photo you “liked” swipes “like” on your photo, too, the app allows you to message each other. Meeting up (and possibly hooking up) is pretty much the goal.

3. Badoo . This adults-only app for online dating-style social networking boasts more than 200 million users worldwide. The app (and the companion desktop version) identifies the location of a user by tracking his or her device’s location and then matches pictures and profiles of potentially thousands of people the user could contact in the surrounding area.

What parents need to know. Badoo is definitely not for kids; its policy requests that no photos of anyone under 18 be posted. However, content isn’t moderated, and lots of sexual images show up as you browse.

4. Hot or Not . This app started as a website over 10 years ago and has gone through lots of iterations since. It currently exists as a location-based app that shows you the hottest — or most attractive per their rating system — people nearby.
What parents need to know. Users must first set up an account of their own, with photos — and must verify their identity with a working email address or a Facebook account and their mobile phones. The site says it will not accept a profile unless the user is 13 or older and that users 13 to 17 can’t chat or share photos with users older than 17 — but there’s no age-verification process.

5. MeetMe . MeetMe’s tagline, “Chat and Meet New People,” says it all. Although not marketed as a dating app, MeetMe does have a “Match” feature where users can “secretly admire” others, and its large user base means fast-paced communication and guaranteed attention. Users can chat with whomever’s online, as well as search locally, opening the door for potential trouble.

What parents need to know. First and last name, age, and ZIP code are requested at registration, or you can log in using a Facebook account. The app also asks permission to use location services on your teens’ mobile devices, meaning they can find the closest matches wherever they go.

5Omegle. One of the older, more established anonymous-chat apps, Omegle lets users start out anonymous, but they can (and do) share information such as names, phone numbers, and addresses.

What parents need to know. Although not an official hookup site, Omegle gives kids the opportunity to share personal information and potentially set up IRL (“in real life”) meetings with the people they’ve met through the app. Adding an “interest” to your profile also makes it possible to match like-minded people. Chat on Omegle often turns to sex very quickly, and it encourages users to “talk to strangers.”

Common Sense Media is an independent nonprofit organization offering unbiased ratings and trusted advice to help families make smart media and technology choices. Check out our ratings and recommendations at www.commonsense.org

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Signs You Move Too Fast in Dating – and Why #adult #singles


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Signs You Move Too Fast in Dating – and Why

Is moving too fast in dating a problem for you? Do you get your hopes up only to have them dashed no, obliterated soon after? If you move too fast, you re certainly not alone. Moving too quickly early in dating is one of the most widespread dating problems for men and women alike. I ll point out the main signs that you re rushing things, and provide a no-nonsense explanation of why you’re doing it so that you can have that a-ha moment and actually change your approach to dating.

You idealize your new date and believe this one s going to be different from all the rest. When you idealize someone, you see them as all-good or all-perfect. When you first meet someone, it s actually pretty easy to paint that person with one large brushstroke because you really don t know that much about him. In other words, because you don t have much information, you decide to fill in the blanks by using your own imagination. You tell yourself that he is the funniest or sweetest or sexiest guy you ve ever dated; that he totally understands you; and that you get along with him more easily than with anyone else in the past.

Why you do it: If you idealize romantic partners when you first meet them, it s often a sign that you have been burned or neglected emotionally in the past, and that you re holding out hopes that someone can magically fill the voids. Remember, the best way to overcome lonely feelings is to cautiously approach new individuals in the following way: You wait for the right one so that you don t have to keep starting and then stopping, and starting yet again with someone new. How exhausting, right?

You want to meet your new date s friends or family members as soon as possible. When you meet someone you like, it s perfectly normal to want to learn more about that person, including the people in her life. While that desire is totally understandable, it should be a mild desire. For men and women who move too fast in dating, they really, really want to meet their new date s friends or family. They want to set plans for barbecues, dinners or social activities where they can meet all the major players in their date’s life – and they want to do it quickly.

Why you do it: Wanting to meet friends and family very early on is a sign that you want to blend your life quickly with your new date s life. This emotional hunger suggests that you don t feel that you have a fulfilling social circle or extended family of your own. Instead of hoping to submerge yourself wholeheartedly into someone else s social group, make a conscious effort to beef up your own so that you don t have to depend on a romantic partner to provide you with an overall sense of belonging.

You constantly text him or think about texting him. Again, it s normal to think or daydream about someone you like. However, it’s not normal to constantly think about him or her. If you meet someone and find yourself thinking about him all the time – like, obsessively – you are sabotaging the relationship from the start. As a rule, when you meet a new date you like, impose a simple rule for yourself: Initiate no more than a couple of texts each day. Feel free to respond to texts, but tell your date from the beginning that you like to take things slow, and this includes texting! The more you text, talk with, and invest in someone right away, the more you risk feeling brokenhearted over someone you hardly know when it doesn’t work out. Play your hand cautiously in dating and you’ll achieve far more successful results in your relationships.

Why you do it: Constantly thinking about someone indicates that, on some level, you feel that you need that individual in your life – or else. In most cases, this sense of desperation comes from a fear that if you don’t seal the deal immediately and develop a cement-like bond, that individual will slip through your fingers and you will be left all alone, never to meet anyone again whom you really like.

Your self-esteem depends on whether she likes you or not. Rushing too quickly in dating has everything to do with how you feel about yourself. Simply put, people who feel good about and proud of the overall package they are don t feel the need to rush because they don t have emotional holes they re looking to fill. But if your self-esteem is up one day and down the next, finding someone to like you becomes the most all-encompassing drive on earth. It’s a stressful, sometimes gut-wrenching experience to care so much about being liked back, so don’t put yourself through that when you simply don’t have to!

Why you do it: Somewhere along the way, someone didn’t teach you well enough to believe that you are worthy and good enough. As a parent, for example, I can’t tell you the number of times each week I tell my 5 and 7-year-old kids how smart, sweet and all-around awesome they are. If you grow up with that praise on a daily basis, odds are that you’ll carry those positive internal voices with you into adulthood – and into your romantic relationships. But many of you may not have received that type of consistent praise a long time ago. Here’s the good news: While you can’t undo being told that you were less than, being rejected or even possibly abandoned as a young person, you can make damn sure to have empathy for yourself and say nice things about yourself as an adult today.

Before we go: Above all, your approach to dating should be measured and cautious as you meet someone new, taking the time to gather information over a period of time to determine if this individual makes a good personality fit with yours. The focus must be on delayed gratification early in dating, as opposed to wanting it all at this very minute.

Dr. Sethis a licensed clinical psychologist, author, Psychology Today blogger, and TV guest expert. He practices in Los Angeles and treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships, parenting, and addiction. He has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author ofDr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.

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Why Moving Too Fast Is Dangerous #mature #online #dating


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Why Moving Too Fast Is Dangerous

This week’s letter comes from Josh. On their sixth date, his girlfriend behaved differently, as though her Interest Level was already waning. Is Josh just imagining things or did he really blow it?

reader’s question

I’ve had ” The System ” for over a year and have been practicing it ever since. Being able to weed out the Feministas, Gold Diggers, and ungiving has been a blessing.

I met Ashley through eHarmony.com. She’s 95% of what I’ve been looking for. To be honest, the only thing I’d change is to open her mind to different kinds of food this girl can eat chicken and steamed vegetables every day and not get bored because that’s all she likes.

She’s 26, a knockout, educated, has a good job and her own place, and lives a good life. I’m 26, make a great living, almost have my own place (I share with my brother since he’s broke), and am looking to find a wonderful girl I can go the distance with.

the system worked

Doc, I used your techniques to win this gal. Being the ultimate gentleman, I opened her doors, kept our dates light and fun, and treated her with respect. To my surprise, she offered to pay for our first four dates. I paid, of course, and she liked that.

I think I waited too long (the fourth date) to kiss her though, but after I did she complimented me on my talent and proceeded to kiss me some more.

Tonight was our sixth rendezvous. I took Ashley to an upscale Chinese restaurant and we saw a comedy act at the Improv. Dinner was just okay since the restaurant was loud and we got terrible service, but she was a sport and our conversation was light and funny.

We made the show on time, but the seating was bad since we were up against the wall and I had a small table as a barrier between us, and I had wanted to sit next to her and have my arm around her, at least.

she suddenly got tired

So here’s where I got confused. On the way back to her place, Ashley got really tired she was yawning and almost fell asleep in the car. I walked her up to her apartment door, and we went inside and sat down on her couch. I could see in her face that she was ready to pass out, so I said, “I’m leaving.”

I went in for a short kiss. After all of our earlier dates, we always had a great time we would have a short, fun conversation at her place and I got the impression that she didn’t want me to leave. This time however, the energy just wasn’t there.

Her playful comment at that point irked me: “Since it’s only nine o’clock, what are you going to do go home and go to sleep?” I laughed it off, but I was a little offended since she gave me the impression that she thought I had no life. I should have said that I was going to call my friends and go have fun with them, but I didn’t.

Doc, am I thinking about this too much? Would you have done anything different? Should I be worried about Ashley’s Interest Level, or is a girl entitled to one off night in six?

Josh who wonders if he played it too cool

doc love’s answer

You don’t realize it, but you’re one lucky guy! When it’s your turn to cook Ashley dinner, you can throw hers together in five minutes. You don’t know how fortunate you are to have someone who’s not a picky eater! Chicken and steamed veggies? A breeze! You’ve got a hell of a woman there. This girl’s 100%, not 95%. Too bad you probably won’t be able to keep her.

You kissed her too late and you moved too fast.

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7 Reasons Not to Wait Too Long to Start Dating After Divorce #date #girls


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7 Reasons Not to Wait Too Long to Start Dating After Divorce

I’ve been divorced for five years and I only recently started dating again. Now that I have, I’ve come to the realization that I waited too long.

I think it’s important to take time to heal from divorce. People need time to adjust to the major changes that divorce brings: different living situations, moving, financial struggles, and having to share time with your kids. Divorce is a death of sorts. It’s the death of your hopes, dreams, and beliefs that you will spend the rest of your life with your spouse. It takes time to go through the grieving process. It’s wise to wait a year or so, so that you can evaluate your life, take inventory of who you are, change the things about you that you don’t like, and discover what exactly you’re looking for in a partner.

However, if you wait too long, some things happen that make dating more difficult.

1. You get comfortable being alone

After some time, you start to enjoy the freedom that comes with being on your own. You never have to compromise on a restaurant. If you don’t feel like making your bed, there’s no one there to get mad at you for it. You can stay in your pajamas and watch chick flicks on Netflix, or you can get up early and run non-stop all day. The choice is up to you.

2. You get cold feet

The longer you wait, the more scared you are to enter the dating world, especially if you were married a long time and enjoyed the comfort and security of a loving relationship. The thought of fielding pick-up lines from guys at bars can make you hyperventilate. Going on a date and not knowing the rules because the last date you went on was 20 years ago, can be a really scary thing.

3. You don t understand dating nowadays

My last date before I got married was at a time when people didn’t have computers or smart phones. Do you understand me? Only doctors had mobile phones and they were as big as a shoe box! Now there’s online dating. Online dating scares the snot out of me. Weeding through hundreds of guys who probably want to make a suit of my skin, trying to find that one gem who not only is not a serial killer, but who also chews with his mouth closed can be daunting. And which of the trillions of online dating sites should you use? Heck, there’s an online site for farmers only! The first time I saw the commercial for that, I thought it was an SNL skit! Scary.

4. You realize you don t need anyone

When I first got divorced I felt like I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t know a thing about car maintenance. I didn’t know how to change my furnace filter, change the string on the weed whacker or fix my washing machine when it started leaking all over. Out of necessity, I learned how to do these things. I no longer felt like I needed a man in my life. Sure, it would be nice to have someone to do those things and to help out, but when it comes down to it, I am capable of taking care of everything on my own.

5. You begin to think there s no room for anyone else in your life

The thought of clearing out my closet to make room for another person’s clothes makes me feel resentful. I don’t want to give up any of my space. I’ve filled my days with my kids, my work, and my interests and I can’t imagine making room for someone else and their kids, work, and interests. I’m not saying I can’t or won’t; it’s just hard to imagine caring enough about someone to want to make room for them in my life.

6. You decide you never want to share a bathroom again

There are some advantages to being on your own – advantages like getting up to pee in the middle of the night and not falling in the toilet because no one has left the seat up. There’s something to be said for not having shaving gel and toothpaste globs stuck to your sink. Not having to pick up laundry from the floor brings me utter joy. Now that I’m divorced, I always get a good night’s sleep because no one wakes me with their snoring, no one steals the blanket, and no one puts their cold feet on me. Why would I want to go back to sharing a bathroom or bedroom with anyone?

7. You get set in your ways

You have a routine. You know what needs to be done and how and when it needs to be done. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have some help, but I know myself. I know that if someone didn’t separate the laundry, or if they loaded the dishwasher incorrectly, or if they didn’t clean the kitchen the same way I do, I’d get ticked off. Maybe I should be medicated. I don’t know. But I’ve gotten set in my ways and I don’t think I’d like someone coming in, changing things around, and not doing things the right way (i.e. my way.)

I was talking to my hairdresser and comparing notes on bad dates. She and I both came to the same conclusion – because we waited too long, dating is harder and the thought of letting someone into our lives makes us a little twitchy. One writer and one hairdresser can’t be wrong. I’m telling you, don’t wait too long! Wait long enough to grieve and get your act together, then jump right in before you become a bitter old cat lady like me. (I don’t actually own a cat. I have a Guinea pig who eats nonstop though. I don’t dress him up in clothes or anything so there’s still hope for me.)

Article Posted 2 years Ago

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Dating Older Men: How Old is Too Old? #christian #dating #website


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Dating Older Men: How Old is Too Old?

By Zandria on February 24, 2008

When my roommate and I go to a bar, we largely attract the attention of older men rather than males closer to our own age. (By “older,” what I mean is “noticeably older than myself.” Like 15 years or more.) I’m not saying these older men act like they want to “hook up” with us – most of the time they’re just looking for a conversation. (Or at least that’s the way they make it seem. I’ve never had an older man ask for my number.) There have been a few older men who were more overtly obvious about their intentions – I’ve had several blatantly walk up to me and say, “I think you’re beautiful” – but in those instances they’ve always said their piece and continued on their way.

(Continuing on their way is a good move, because otherwise my response would be, “Thank you. Now move along.” It’s not that I’m trying to be rude. I just don’t think “You’re beautiful” is a good opening line, no matter the person’s age – even if they’re thinking it; even if they really believe it to be true.)

It’s not like we don’t catch younger guys looking at us – but they look from where they’re sitting, or standing. And I don’t have a problem talking to older men if they’re being nice, but I don’t see them as someone I’d want to go out with.

A good friend of mine, a woman in her mid-40s, has given me her opinion multiple times on the types of men she thinks I should be dating. “We live in DC,” she says. “You should be attending parties at embassies and meeting diplomats. Or you could be an executive’s wife.” My friend has good intentions, but all I say in response to her suggestions is, “I have no desire to go to a party at an embassy. I wouldn’t have any idea what to say to those people. On top of all that, I’m not looking for someone with a specific title – the man himself comes first.”

So how old is “too old” for me? I’d say ten years would be my max. But having said that, I know age differences of ten years or more don’t bother everyone. My older sister was married to a man eleven years her senior (they’ve since divorced), and my younger sister is currently living with a man ten years older than she is. A good friend of mine was married to a man fifteen years her senior for over six years (they married when she was nineteen).

I wonder. why is it that younger guys aren’t as comfortable approaching my roommate and I than the older guys? Are the older men not as worried about looking “cool?” Does the possibility of being rejected not bother them as much?

I also think this phenomenon might be related to where you live. City Girl DC lives here in my area. She went out with a female friend one recent Saturday night, and had this experience:

What I love about Marvin [a bar] is that it seems perfectly designed for meeting and conversation. You would think there would be lots of mingling. Instead, as we looked around, all we saw were completely sex-segregated groups. To our left were two women who could pass for models. Behind them, clearly gawking was a group of guys. Not once did the guys make a move. […] Pam and I were curious as to what the guys would say and decided to ask three attractive, well-dressed guys standing behind us. One was Indian, one Latin American, and the other second-generation African. We figured we would get a good mix of responses. Instead, they were pretty much the same guy. […]

They didn’t feel the need to approach women and were of the belief that women should be more willing to approach them. Hmmm. I always find it suspect when a guy has decided that women should take the initiative in dating: asking out, paying on a first date, making the first move, etc. All I know is that these guys were typical of so many guys in DC. They seemed way too interested in saving face. Sorry, but being a guy involves some degree of regular rejection.

Tara has the same experience with older men being the only ones bold enough to approach her, and wonders what’s up with younger guys.

Why is it that I find myself getting hit on by older gentlemen in Hoboken and not the younger fellows? Where are the bright young men of Hobo? […]

A girlfriend and I recently went to a bar in Hoboken on a Saturday night.

We were there to have a drink and watch her alma mater, the University of Virginia football game…hey, a great way to meet guys…young guys! WRONG! No one even approached us… The guys that were there didn’t even budge to come up and say hello. On the way out, I walked passed a young guy who hardly turned his head but did get the slight nerve and sober energy to say “bye ladies”. Ugh! And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a brief portrait of the wildly gifted charm imparted America’s Best – our Young and Upcoming World Financial Business Leaders of Tomorrow.

New blogger Jenny Pruna asks, “Does Love Have a Number?”

I am currently dating a man 10 years older than me. We met at my old job and ever since then we have been dating. Its been a year and a half and we are still in love; if not more than ever. It is not common to see someone dissaprove of us being together when they have not met my boyfriend. Just the age difference alone shows how wrong it is. The common arguments are… “He’s only seeking one thing from you and its not being with you.” “He is too old, you should be with someone your age.” and etc.

Problem is with that last argument is that every guy I meet at my age isn’t what I am looking for. I want to fall in love and be in that relationship. I no longer want to explore a bunch of bad relationships when I can have one great one full of love.

At the Huffington Post, Christine Hassler is asked for advice by a 27-year-old female dating a 42-year-old man. This is part of Christine’s response:

In my opinion, there is a lot more than just 15 years that separates you from your 42-year-old boyfriend. He’s had a heck of a lot more life experience than you have. You are in your late twenties, a time in life when you are just beginning to become sure of who you are and what you want. You are creating your life while he is already in the prime of his. If you were 40 and he was 55, I would not be as concerned about the age difference as both of you would have had ample time to experience life and mold your identity. By dating someone so much older, you are missing out on being with someone who is in the same phase of life that you are; someone with whom you can share the joys and pitfalls of discovery.

The male perspective: Jay Rusovich is in his early 50s, and has this to say about attracting younger women:

Anyone whose reached middle-age has to face the fact that – no matter how we look or feel – we can’t outright cheat the clock. Let a few more years pass and we start to wonder whether or not it’s even appropriate to approach younger women. By ‘appropriate’ I’m thinking along the lines of …will she look at me like I’m out of my fucking mind for assuming she would consider me as a dating candidate? […]

Many young women simply don’t give a damn how many bootcamps you put yourself through every week. Or how interesting you think you are. Or how talented you are. Or how successful you have been. By this time, life was supposed to have yanked you out of the game and thrown you onto your Lazyboy, out in the suburbs, with a family, watching network television… […]

The truth is, a ever-growing number of young women are actively dating older men; particularly in big cities, because these tend to be more sophisticated than their fly-over sisters, and don’t hold the same appreciation for being treated like objects by young men. The same men who routinely take them for granted, and have nothing to talk about other than domestic beer. This notwithstanding, you still have to also accept the fact that there are a corresponding number of women who can’t fathom dating older guys from any perspective. They want Cinderella. They want Snow White. And intend to ignore the odds against realizing those fantasies in today’s world.

How old would be “too old” for you?

(Contributing editor Zandria also blogs at Keep Up With Me. She will continue to talk to older guys in bars as long as they don’t start the conversation with, “I think you’re beautiful.”)


Meet the woman who is TOO PRETTY for dating websites #free #singles #sites


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Meet the woman who is TOO PRETTY for dating websites: Size six blonde thinks it’s easier for unattractive women to find a man online

By Caroline Mcguire for MailOnline 11:52 GMT 06 Oct 2014, updated 17:40 GMT 06 Oct 2014

Meet the woman who is TOO PRETTY for dating websites: Size six blonde thinks it’s easier for unattractive women to find a man

  • Paula Jayne Allen, 33, from Essex was often used just as arm candy
  • The mother-of-two believes her good looks make it harder to find a man
  • She only found true love after giving up on shallow dating websites

Many single women might at some point have thought that losing an extra ten pounds or having a slightly larger chest and blonde curly hair would be the answer to all of their dating problems.

But imagine if the shoe was on the other foot – if your petite figure, pretty face and long golden locks made it hard to find a man because you are TOO pretty.

Paula Jayne Allen, 33, from Chelmsford, Essex, says this is what happened to her when she joined an online dating site five years ago.

She said: ‘I am a size six, with long blonde hair and blue eyes and have done a bit of modelling in the past.

‘When it came to trying to find a man who would see me as more than just ‘piece of meat,’ it was so hard. I just felt like eye candy.’

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Paula Jayne Allen from Chelmsford, Essex, who tried dating websites but found her size six figure and blonde hair meant only shallow men approached her.

Fed up with shallow men approaching her in nightclubs just looking for a one-night stand, Paula tried online dating as a way of finding a man based on a personality match.

But after reading MailOnline’s interview with size 24 Verity Brown, who has struggled to find a man on dating websites because she is overweight, Paula maintains that it was even harder for her to find a partner on the same sites because men simply saw her as a trophy.

She said: ‘Verity is thinking that once she has lost this weight, everything will change and all of these men will come out of the woodwork.

‘But it doesn’t change, in fact it only gets worse.

‘You get all of these men wanting one night stands or who want you to sit there, be quiet and just be arm candy.

‘I went on two dating websites – Match.com and eHarmony – about five years ago, just before I met my now-husband and it was awful.

Paula Jayne’s looks have always attracted plenty of attention on nights out

‘I decided to try it because all of the sites guarantee to match you up with someone who shares your interests, so it’s more about personality, and I was fed up with all of the men in the bars looking for skirt.

‘But it made no difference.

‘You’d regularly get people getting in contact just saying, “Fancy meeting up for a f**k?”

‘You’d get married men just wanting fun and you’d get people saying, “I just need someone for one night, can you do me a favour?”

‘It really was truly awful.’

Often, Paula also found that men were just interested in using her so that they could impress their friends with a good looking girl on their arm.

She said: ‘If you did meet people online and then go out for a drink with them away from the websites, they’d take you out to where their mates were and they’d just want you to stand there.

Paula Jayne struggled to find a decent man in nightclubs, because they were always ‘chasing skirt.’ The mother-of-two thought dating sites would be the answer to her problems but found they attracted similar kinds of men.

Paula Jayne struggled to find a decent man in nightclubs, because they were always ‘chasing skirt.’ The mother-of-two thought dating sites would be the answer to her problems but found they attracted similar kinds of men.

‘If you tried to talk to them and they realised that you have a brain and you actually quite enjoy intelligent conversation, then they wouldn’t want to see you again.

‘It was really frustrating and very boring.

‘Some of them I’d talk to a couple of times online and then they’d take me out in front of their friends and their male friends would look me up and down and give me the approving look.

‘Then their female friends would grab hold of their men and give you the female equivalent of the snarl and you’d think to yourself, ‘I’m really not after your man!’

‘It got frustrating, it got disheartening and I gave up.

‘I must have been on there for a good six months before I just lost faith and gave up.

‘I couldn’t get anywhere on those sites, it was always sleazebags and people who just wanted to use me and didn’t care if I had any opinions on anything or care at all what I thought really.’

Paula also used to get a constant stream of requests from married men, who would ask her to be their mistress.

Despite her looks hindering her search for a partner, Paula Jayne refused to change her appearance

She said: ‘I had married men approach me all of the time saying, ‘My marriage is on the rocks, my wife doesn’t understand me, I’m hoping you will.’

It’s like, do you really think I will fall for that?

‘You get the sob stories, they would constantly email you expecting a reply.

‘I replied saying, “Do you think I was born yesterday?”

‘They have no shame.’

But far from sharing her story in order to brag about her good looks, Paula is actually hoping to inspire women like Verity, who are happy about their larger figures, not to change for a man.

She said: ‘I was reading the article and I thought that she shouldn’t lose weight – it’s not the answer to anything.

‘Mr Right will be there whether or not she loses the weight – she shouldn’t have to change that, she should be happy as she is.

Paula Jayne gave up on dating websites and six months later bumped into her now-husband Mark at a friend’s party. They are now husband and wife

‘I didn’t change a thing about me, even though when I was joining these agencies, all of these men were only interested in one thing.

‘But I didn’t change anything, I didn’t change my hair colour, my size or anything.

‘And I still found my husband at the end of it all.

‘Just be yourself, no one should have to change. If you’re truly happy in who you are you shouldn’t have to change a single thing about you, because someone else will love that happiness – it will shine through in everything that you do.’

Just a few months after giving up on dating sites, Paula met her now-husband Mark and they have been together for four years.

The couple also share two children Molli-Jayne, who is three next month and William, who turned two years old last week.

She said: ‘I met my husband about 14 years ago in a nightclub, we dated for about three or four months and eventually broke up because he was quite quiet and I was too outgoing.

Paula Jayne and her husband Mark with their children William (left) and Molli-Jayne (right)

‘But by chance, we happened to bump into each other again ten years down the line.

‘I looked him up on Facebook, got in contact, and asked him for a drink and we pretty much haven’t been apart since.

‘We fell in love straight away again.’

Paula is hoping her story will help women who are also struggling to find love to understand that it often has very little to do with something like being overweight.

She said ‘I know there will be some backlash but I don’t mean any of this in that way.

‘I’ve never won awards or used my beauty to get anywhere.

‘My best friend is a size 20, but she doesn’t care in the slightest – we’re like little and large – and but she gets more attention than I do because she has so much confidence.

‘It doesn’t matter about the size, just whether you are happy in yourself.’